A long
time ago I was overseas and sitting on a balcony perving on women riding bikes.
These women foreigners were terrible at the art of bike riding with their
female panicking and possible perioding about the place.
Then NZ
let me back into the country where I was asked to talk, for I made a lot of
money in property and rich people should be listened to. I took along my
holiday slides and regaled them with my talk on foreign lady bikers.
Being old
and rich I have a lot of time on my hands and was spending my days complaining
about traffic lights. “Boo, traffic lights!” I would yell from my front lawn to
the street that was down the driveway a mile away. And don’t get me started
about billboards!
One of the
little people came over and I yelled at him about the traffic lights. He
interrupted me; I slapped him for his impudence, but then began to tell me that
my thinking was so amazing that the multitudes of international traffic
engineering magazines had printed these very ideas, so wondrous and profound
that they were. “Excellent!” I urged, my head bent over my steepled hands, and
amazingly the little people complied with an idea that had already been expressed by experts previous to my showing up. Such is my power.
At the
next meeting, after I had shown them slides of foreign women on Segway’s, the
council agreed to turn off the lights, which I must say made them much easier
to view. TVNZ begged to film me to sell my talks worldwide, making me the star I always should have been. But
Maurice Williamson, supposed libertarian, probable communist, used his Ministerial
powers to stop TVNZ filming. He denied me my close-up and the attention I so
desperately need and deserve. He was meant to be a Libertarian!
The
Council rallied, tearing traffic lights out and putting roundabouts in. It was
a vision to behold, a utopia of spinning in circles. But this beautiful New
World that I had created was to be undone – for like Eve cycling over to the
apple tree, we were once more doomed by the spectacle of women.
Women
drivers caused massive pile-ups at roundabouts, something that the Liberal Media
chose not to report in these PC Times. Their lady brains, filled with thoughts
of babies and shoes, meant that they screamed hysterically as they randomly
drove towards things, killing thousands of men in oncoming cars. Insurance
companies, driven by PC madness, have lower premiums for female drivers, saying
that the PC driven statistics show that they’re safer drivers, causing less accidents.
By tish, and tosh, I say, for who need evidence when you have anecdotes and outright lying.
Here I
invoke Greg King’s widow, because since his the coroners report was only just released as I
was writing this article, what a sensitive moment indeed to invoke her in my
measured bigoted ramblings. She stopped driving her five minutes to work
because it was taken her 25 minutes? Why? Women drivers! However she is a woman
driver so maybe it was her to blame. Would you like to look at some more slides?
Women
drivers cost the economy 52 billion dollars a year. Why would I make this obviously made up thing up? I’m
a rich former property developer!
A few
years ago, with the help not around, I rang 111 to yell at the police. “Police,”
I said. “Women drivers are impeding the flow of traffic. Do something about
this for I pay your wages!”. Initially they told me to bugger off, but after I
explained that I had a knighthood and was very, very rich, they stopped a
murder investigation and sent out police to watch cars going around roundabouts
and to work out the gender of the driver of each car.
They'd
bailed up a swag of these women, while wearing pinstripe suits and carrying tommy guns, reminding them of the "keep left unless
passing" rule and had them complete a two-question "tick the
box" form. Men were given a brisk handshake and were free to go. Taxpayer
money and police time well spent!
This official
police form, that obviously exists and could not possibly be made up, where women
were specifically targeted by the police and were legally required to fill out, asked
whether women were breaking the law because of “sheer bloody-mindedness”, which
many ticked. Most of them were in their 30’s which meant they were driving
badly because they didn’t have a man in their lives. At least I think this
happened, let us not forget that I’m very old. So old in fact that I will soon
have to re-sit my drivers license test because I am seen as a very possible menace
on the road, which is obviously PC madness!
Another
woman once told me that women drivers are terrible so how can I possibly make
my case anymore convincing. I know a women driver when I see one. I concede
that some women can drive, because an Asian told me this. They’re terrible
drivers as well. Did the war end?
I’ve
known many women drivers. Four in fact. One being my mother. She crashed her
car and I have been scarred ever since. MOTHER! WHY DIDN’T YOU HUG ME?!
I have
driven to my office and got there late. Why? Women drivers. I bought a
fast car and drove erratically and then the Police had the audacity to write to
me. It was probably women who complained. Women. Stupid, never hugged me
enough, women. MOTHER!
Like the
Engineers I told the Police how to do their job. People appreciated that. I
told them that though technically no illegal act had taken place they would be doing
Gods work by going to the complainants' homes, beating the crap out
of them and burning their houses down. How we laughed at my death threats!
Amazingly
they wrote me a nice reply apologising for bothering me and asked whether I
knew the address of their homes, and if I did, to inform me that they had
recently moved to an undisclosed address and to please not contact them again.
Right now
a bunch of feminists (probably communists) in Saudi Arabia (one of those sandy places) are trying to get simple
human rights like being able to drive. But women drivers are bad so men
shouldn’t give them those rights, even if they are Muslims. An Asian told me
that.
MOTHER!
