News of the Day

 John Key announced that Hekia Parata would be keeping her position as Minister of Education, praising her as one of the “smoothest communicators” within the Party. 

Ms Parata was called to comment on her reinstatement. ” As I begin this next phase of my public service I stand before you weighted with pressing expectation as to the valued added targets that will be reached, exceeding past doctrines and overreaching success with the partnership of the community and education sector.” 

It was reported that Ms Parata then closed down half off the public school sector, sold the other half to private interests, and never stopped smiling the entire time. 

 *** 

Breaking! 

Prime Minister John Key was said to have fainted in a Christchurch restaurant late last night. 

He was quickly swooped up into the loving arms of his Diplomatic Protection Squad that swarms about him at all times, laid on the back seat of his new ministerial BMW, his driver then rushing him to the nearest hospital where he was attended to immediately by three specialists who spent two and a half hours cutting him out of his too tight corset that had directly caused Key’s dramatic faint. 

Key reportedly was mildly embarrassed over his fainting fit stating that he was not normally prone to “swooning like a poofter”. He was impressed though over the care he had received, though was concerned that the health sector was wildly over funded. 

“Being one of the richest people in New Zealand I would normally never set foot inside a public hospital,” Mr Key said. “This experience has made me realise that the public is assured of being attended to immediately by a large number of doctors for a substantial amount of time for relatively minor issues. While it is reassuring that the public sector is so well funded it does call into question whether it isn’t too well funded and whether the money should be redirected to fund tax cuts for high income earners, which creates jobs for middle New Zealanders.” 

Mr Key then began to choke on his own laughter and was immediately helicoptered to a private medical clinic in Sweden.