Breaking Dawn? More Like Breaking Wind, Amiright!?

My kidnappers made me watch Breaking Dawn, part of the Twilight series, last night. Let me spoil you so you don't have to watch it.

Event: A Wedding.
Drama!: The bride has a nightmare...something bad may happen!
What Actually Happens: Nothing.

Event: Wedding Reception.
Drama!: The third part of the love triangle shows up!
What Happens: He declares that the bride is at imminent risk of being rooted to death by the groom. I kid you not.

Event: The Honeymoon.
Drama!: Danger of EXPLOSION by grooms willy. Also danger of EXPLOSION by sexual frustration.
What Happens: The bed EXPLODES in a frenzy of missionary position, barely moving, vanilla sex.

Event: The Aftermath of Honeymoon Sex.
Drama!: The bride is in danger of EXPLODING from her vampire/human hybrid magic baby!
What Happens: She becomes a size zero model and books jobs at New York Fashion Week. Something about werewolves wanting to kill the baby due to the imminent danger it presents of gurgling and pooping itself.

Event: The Birth
Drama!: She could EXPLODE at any moment, Captain!
What Happens: The groom comes to the rescue by chewing the baby out of her stomach. Again, I kid you not.

Event: Twue Luv!
Drama!: Werewolf love triangle boy doesn't have a soul mate!
What Happens: He "imprints" on the baby. No, seriously. There's a montage of her as a teenager looking beguiling at the camera as he sets the countdown clock until she turns legal - which is romantic you guys, and like, totally not completely creepy as hell.

Event: Bride of Vampire Becomes a Vampire Bride
Drama!: She could DIE! Oh, wait...
What Happens: She dies by way of stolen cgi effects from CSI and her eyes snap open to the most terrifying moment in the movie: the knowledge that there will be a sequel.