Uncle Shearer Speaks to Old Zealand

Kids, gather around and let Uncle Shearer tell you a story.

A circus used to have an exhibit which had a cage containing a lion, a tiger, a panther, and a baby lamb. That baby lamb would get eaten, and not in the good way. This is what we’re doing in New Zealand; eating lambs like our forefathers ate lambs, and our forefather before that. Eventually we’re going to run out of lambs and mint sauce. This is not the future that I want for our children, where the only options for Sunday roasts are chicken or beef.

National believes that you can’t handle the truth, but us, well, let me tell you here and now that we’re one step away from maxing out our credit cards and we’ve only got a couple of eggs to sell. We’re fucked, and like the lamb, not in the good way.

I’m going to now trot out a cliché, a cliché called ‘Vision’ but because I’m indicating that I know that you know that it’s a cliché, it makes it new and exciting – you could almost call it New new, but let’s not yet, because I’m going to be using that term a lot later on.

Visions are like Excalibur because you need to know what to stab with them, like lambs. My vision sword is straightforward:

New Zealand shouldn’t suck like it’s currently sucking. Finland used to suck, now it doesn’t, and their leader made bold decisions that stopped the sucking of Finland (but not in a bad way) but caused him to lose his job, and if I’m doing things right I too won’t get re-elected, you bunch of visionless ungrateful bastards.

We have to bite the bullet and slash about with Excalibur making radical changes. And from the bullet ridden, sword slashed ruins a New New Zealand, or Noonoo Zealand as it phonetically sounds, will arise.

I don’t believe in magic bullet, only magic swords. But we’re going to plan and then have the guts to fulfil that plan of making this country suck just that little bit less. Did you forget for a moment that we suck? Let me remind you of it some more: we’re not green and clean, we export sweet f all, all our investments are in the property market.

What’s as important as lambs, bullets and swords? Physical Education. Some kids are marathon runners, but some of those fat kids, well, they’ve been eating too much lamb and are trailing behind. We have to fix it by getting better teachers who will teach these kids to go easy on their portion sizes so that they can run faster. Sure, the kids are shoeless and they have a leg missing from health issues, but having a quality teacher who can yell at them to hop across that finish line will make all the difference.

Noonoo Zealand will be a place where everyone gets a share of the lamb pie but at the same time you need to have baking skills which will be taught alongside our stringent running programme.

Noonoo Zealand is going to be a great place for lambs and the people who eat them. Unless lambs is an allegory for our children which in that case for gods sake stop pouring mint sauce on your kid.