Thursday, April 11, 2013

Customs Minister Maurice Williamson Extremely Worried, Covered in Fear Pee

Customs Minister Maurice Williamson says he is extremely worried about what laser guns will do to border security with staff being completely outgunned by anyone attempting to illegally cross our borders to get into New Zealand. More worrying is that New Zealanders will be able to escape to Australia in even greater numbers.

Mr Williamson says the lasers can be bought through Trademe or through rogue Eastern European countries.

He says household lasers will soon be able to produce increasingly stronger beams of energy, and the country's borders are extremely vulnerable.

"If people could produce death beams at will that just completely takes away our border protection role in its known sense."

Mr Williamson says that ray guns within homes will become as common as hairdryers and he has asked his officials to think hard about how to keep up with this kind of technology. There was also the concern that jet packs will lead to a loss of revenue for airlines and make it harder to control the flow of travel.

"After watching a Terminator marathon over the weekend I'm also extremely worried about how our border security will deal once the machines have risen up. I'm currently asking that border staff switch off electronics at the wall before going home at night, just in case.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

2013 Knucklehead Awards - Television Edition

The 2013 New Zealand Knucklehead Award winners have been leaked already, only four months into the year. We're pretty relaxed around these parts and as leaky as a geriatrics knickers after a coughing fit.

The Winners Are:

Campbell Live

It has live bits and a Campbell in it. I like a show that starts off all truthful. So far this year it has been taking stories and striking them with the Question Bat until they've flown out of the Answer Arena into the Public Domain Carpark. They've been uncovering a whole lot of stuff, is what I'm saying.

Whether it's Solid Energy, Novopay or creepy guys foisting death cars on the poor, the plucky reporters have run around and got Facts and Truth and snazzy graphics for their Fact Truth Diagrams. The rest of the media has been throwing praise at the show and / or stealing their story ideas to run with, so considering it's a five times a week 20 minute show (discounting ads - must buy more cars) it's having a huge impact.

Well done Campbell Live, you're a winner to me, and also to this fake awards showing that I'm pretending is happening.

Campbell Live comes to you every weeknight on TV3 at 7.30pm. Past stories can be found here:

Native Affairs

Only a couple of episodes in and already it's shown why it got a real media award last year. They're covering interesting stories and approaching them in a grown-up methodical manner. They also take the horrifying and shocking approach of having panelists on who disagree with each other but don't yell or talk over one another - what the?! Complicated issues are talked out, differing points looked at and nobody has to raise their voice, passive aggressively insult, or fling fecal matter at the other participants. It's almost like people care more about the issues than their own egos. Weird.

The report on the Tongan ferry disaster gets a second award just for being so awesome. It starts off slow, builds, offers a twist, another twist, BOOM it uncovers that this goes All The Way to The Top. Matt Damon to star, Ben Affleck directing.

Native Affairs screens on Maori Television at 8.30pm on Mondays. Previous episodes can be found here:

Media 3

Since the gods hate me and took away the Daily Show from NZ Screens, this has been the closest thing as a replacement. I do love this show though, but I fear that after making me constantly listen to right-wing commentators this may be an abusive relationship. But no, listening to other points of view is what grown-ups should do, even if their ideas are a bunch of smelly poo-head fart-pants. So put on your big kid pants, and your dvd recorders, because it's on well past my bedtime.

Josie Barbosa takes information, loads it into the fun spoon, and flies it into your brain before you realise that learning just happened. Russell Brown wrangles a panel of commentators and information is exchanged with minimum of blood shed or set design. All-in-all it's well worth the watch.

Media 3 plays on Wednesdays at 11pm (I told you!).  Previous episodes can be found here:


If you have Sky I can't recommend BBC Knowledge or BBC News enough. Wait, I can, because there's probably restraining orders and I'll need to stop to eat and sleep. Fantastic shows in particular are Intelligence Square Debate which screens regularly on BBC News, and a must see series of shows called Why Poverty: and A History of Racism: A History: Horizon and Hard Talk are also good watching.

Now that this pretend knucklehead awards show is over everyone can spend the rest of the day pretending to be drunk and secretly slagging off the competition. Did you see what they pretend wore? Hideous.