How I Would Run Media, An Essay by Dovil Aged 5
1. Journalists need to be kept awake and perked up and raring to go so free coffee in every department! But the coffee machine can be a long way away to walk to, so bowls of cocaine on every desk.
2. Journalists are ridiculously underpaid given the importance of their position in a democratic society, so pay rises! 20k across the board. Unless you've got a contract with SkyCity in which case here's a $5 chip and good luck to you. Don't worry corporates, that cocaine was only free for the first month so they'll be paying back that 20k plus extra in no time!
3. Journalism degrees will get an overhaul with an added Honours year where people can specialise in a subject if they so wish, such as business, science or politics etc. Also a PGDip made up of practical journalism basics for anyone exiting with an undergraduate degree.
4. Coverage such as the "anti-smacking" law or the Foreshore and Seabed Act highlighted one important thing, that hardly anyone knew what the hell they were talking about. Instead of throwing journalists in at the deep end, experts would be invited to come along and talk about the topic du jour so that there was at least a basic understanding so that the right questions could be asked of the right people. Also everyone would be asked to bring in an item and give a 20 minute presentation, not because that has any intrinsic worth, but just because I'm a bit of a bastard.
5. A consistent one-stop-shop publication would be put together by a third party listing every academic or expert worth their salt in this country with tick boxes to indicate whether they could write material and/or appear on camera without scaring the nation.
6. Barbie and Ken dolls to host all shows, voiced by Hilary Barry and Mike McRoberts. John Campbell will be contractually required to interject at least once per show, and Hilary will be required to be unable to continue due to an outbreak of laughter. Dance for me puppets! You entertain me so.
7. Journalists will no longer be required to report on something that happened two hours previously. They will instead be given time to ring around and find out the Why to the What while receiving shoulder rubs and being cooled down by waved palm fronds brandished by the ex-Shortland Street actor of their choosing.
8. If politicians are asked to appear on a show they will (unless they have a very good excuse and a note from their Mums) actually bother to appear on the show. Otherwise Rebecca Wright will be released somewhere in their homes.
9. Valium to be supplied for any interview involving Hekia Parata, Simon Bridges, well there's going to be a long list. Shhhh, it'll be alllll over soon.
10. Free rehab. I'm not sure how but there's some terrible drug addictions going on. Sort yourself out, Media.