Monday, October 21, 2013

Bob Jones: Spare us from the opinions of old men

 A long time ago I was overseas and sitting on a balcony perving on women riding bikes. These women foreigners were terrible at the art of bike riding with their female panicking and possible perioding about the place.

Then NZ let me back into the country where I was asked to talk, for I made a lot of money in property and rich people should be listened to. I took along my holiday slides and regaled them with my talk on foreign lady bikers.
Being old and rich I have a lot of time on my hands and was spending my days complaining about traffic lights. “Boo, traffic lights!” I would yell from my front lawn to the street that was down the driveway a mile away. And don’t get me started about billboards!

One of the little people came over and I yelled at him about the traffic lights. He interrupted me; I slapped him for his impudence, but then began to tell me that my thinking was so amazing that the multitudes of international traffic engineering magazines had printed these very ideas, so wondrous and profound that they were. “Excellent!” I urged, my head bent over my steepled hands, and amazingly the little people complied with an idea that had already been expressed by experts previous to my showing up. Such is my power.
At the next meeting, after I had shown them slides of foreign women on Segway’s, the council agreed to turn off the lights, which I must say made them much easier to view. TVNZ begged to film me to sell my talks worldwide, making me the star I always should have been. But Maurice Williamson, supposed libertarian, probable communist, used his Ministerial powers to stop TVNZ filming. He denied me my close-up and the attention I so desperately need and deserve. He was meant to be a Libertarian!

The Council rallied, tearing traffic lights out and putting roundabouts in. It was a vision to behold, a utopia of spinning in circles. But this beautiful New World that I had created was to be undone – for like Eve cycling over to the apple tree, we were once more doomed by the spectacle of women.

Women drivers caused massive pile-ups at roundabouts, something that the Liberal Media chose not to report in these PC Times. Their lady brains, filled with thoughts of babies and shoes, meant that they screamed hysterically as they randomly drove towards things, killing thousands of men in oncoming cars. Insurance companies, driven by PC madness, have lower premiums for female drivers, saying that the PC driven statistics show that they’re safer drivers, causing less accidents. By tish, and tosh, I say, for who need evidence when you have anecdotes and outright lying.

Here I invoke Greg King’s widow, because since his the coroners report was only just released as I was writing this article, what a sensitive moment indeed to invoke her in my measured bigoted ramblings. She stopped driving her five minutes to work because it was taken her 25 minutes? Why? Women drivers! However she is a woman driver so maybe it was her to blame. Would you like to look at some more slides?

Women drivers cost the economy 52 billion dollars a year. Why would I make this obviously made up thing up? I’m a rich former property developer!

A few years ago, with the help not around, I rang 111 to yell at the police. “Police,” I said. “Women drivers are impeding the flow of traffic. Do something about this for I pay your wages!”. Initially they told me to bugger off, but after I explained that I had a knighthood and was very, very rich, they stopped a murder investigation and sent out police to watch cars going around roundabouts and  to work out the gender of the driver of each car.

They'd bailed up a swag of these women, while wearing pinstripe suits and carrying tommy guns, reminding them of the "keep left unless passing" rule and had them complete a two-question "tick the box" form. Men were given a brisk handshake and were free to go. Taxpayer money and police time well spent!

This official police form, that obviously exists and could not possibly be made up, where women were specifically targeted by the police and were legally required to fill out, asked whether women were breaking the law because of “sheer bloody-mindedness”, which many ticked. Most of them were in their 30’s which meant they were driving badly because they didn’t have a man in their lives. At least I think this happened, let us not forget that I’m very old. So old in fact that I will soon have to re-sit my drivers license test because I am seen as a very possible menace on the road, which is obviously PC madness!

Another woman once told me that women drivers are terrible so how can I possibly make my case anymore convincing. I know a women driver when I see one. I concede that some women can drive, because an Asian told me this. They’re terrible drivers as well. Did the war end?

I’ve known many women drivers. Four in fact. One being my mother. She crashed her car and I have been scarred ever since. MOTHER! WHY DIDN’T YOU HUG ME?!

I have driven to my office and got there late. Why? Women drivers. I bought a fast car and drove erratically and then the Police had the audacity to write to me. It was probably women who complained. Women. Stupid, never hugged me enough, women. MOTHER!

Like the Engineers I told the Police how to do their job. People appreciated that. I told them that though technically no illegal act had taken place they would be doing Gods work by going to the complainants' homes, beating the crap out of them and burning their houses down. How we laughed at my death threats!

Amazingly they wrote me a nice reply apologising for bothering me and asked whether I knew the address of their homes, and if I did, to inform me that they had recently moved to an undisclosed address and to please not contact them again.

Right now a bunch of feminists (probably communists) in Saudi Arabia (one of those sandy places) are trying to get simple human rights like being able to drive. But women drivers are bad so men shouldn’t give them those rights, even if they are Muslims. An Asian told me that.


1 comment:

X said...

I think you took writing a spoof version a lot more seriously than I did: