Monday, March 26, 2012

Brownlee: Bringing the World Together Over Hating Us

Who votes that Gerry Brownlee gets given the portfolio for Foreign Affairs? Think of the excitement that it would bring to the country, opening your morning paper on your computer screen, scanning the headlines to see just who he's managed to piss of this week. Sure, we can start with Finland. Besides their cutting wit they're probably unlikely to circumnavigate the globe just so that we can lob our defence sheep at them. But Iran, China? Now we're talking. Come on Brownlee, lets really shake things up and give our media the excuse to put on their pensive voices of doom as they read off the monitors."This is New Zealand's darkest day!" Key can bark out from the white sandy beaches of Hawaii, surrounded by twenty armed guards while discreetly tucking his daiquiri behind his back.

Key has already issued a 'regret' statement, saying the he regrets any and all future actions from his ministers but that he's comfortable with doing nothing until opinion polls tell him otherwise. ‘Baskets of Regret’ aka ‘Please Don’t Invade Us’ will also be sent out so that insulted countries can sample all that NZ has to offer, including both lamb chops and lamb shanks, plus copies of Lord of the Rings that may or may not have been stolen from Video Ezy.

Brownlee however believes that it's been blown out of proportion and that by calling another country a bunch of unemployed, starving, murderous, uneducated misogynists, he meant it in a loving and satirical way. Brownlee also pointed out that he often spends his weekends punching toddlers and then yelling "just kidding" therefore mitigating his actions.

What Brownlee should have done, and what he was obviously trying to do, was instead of dragging Finland into it just go straight for Shearer himself. "You're stupid and everyone thinks you're stupid!" could work, or possibly the classic "If you love Finland so much why don't you marry it". Or now that the Labour leader has shaved his hair off for charity there must be a good "Look everyone, Shearer got shown!" statement in there somewhere, while English high-fives him and Smith runs down from the back of the house only to get there too late.

No comments: