As we all will have heard by now, the civil defence sirens still ringing in our ears, the nation is facing it's darkest days. Due to some event that occurred in Christchurch some time back (??), the only factory that makes marmite has ceased production while they move facilities to a safer place.
The official word has been for citizens not to 'freak out' which is obviously code that we should begin freaking out immediately, with hoarding, looting and mild rioting in the worst affected zones. Forget property and gold, marmite has become the new backup investment and currency of choice.
Talk is already spreading of people using bovril and vegemite as a substitute, but they are obviously traitors, not only to the cause but to the country-at-large, and should be executed as soon as possible in order to stem this tide of heresy. Remember to turn in your neighbour if they look even slightly furtive when carrying in their shopping bags.
The person that needs to front up to cameras though is none other than Gerry Brownlee. He was meant to be the leader that led us from disaster, who foresaw future troubles and protected us from them. Now where has he left us? Weeping quietly over our empty jars of our beloved breakfast spread, gazing out into a future that may be brighter, but only because our beloved black spread has gone. Where are you now Brownlee, and why do you smell of yeast?
Wait, did anyone check to make sure that it hasn't moved to Australia?